Weird, Funny & Bizarre Porn

I have to admit, midget porn kinda creeps me out a little bit. Perhaps it’s a distaste for midgets in general, like that show “Little People, Big World.” I hate that guy. On a related note, here’s a link to that clip from South Park where Cartman fights a midget.

There’s been a relative explosion in midget porn over the last few years, with several studios cranking out midget porn videos on a regular basis. But considering the rarity of midgets willing to appear in porn videos, the same few actors appear over and over again. Which, when you think about it, is no different than the glossy superstar porn videos cranked out by big studios like Vivid.

The biggest (or shall we say, littlest) superstar in midget porn is Bridget “The Midget” Powerz. Of the nearly 100 midget titles in our library, she stars in at least half of them. From the neck up, she’s rather attractive! She’s appeared on TV shows such as Howard Stern, Cathouse and the Surreal Life. Other midget pornstars include Gidget the Midget, Twidget the Midget (tired of these midget names yet?), Tinny Tyler and Black Cinnamon.

And let’s not forget the little men! Representing the streets are Lil Pimp Hand, the 3′ 11″ midget with the 10″ cock, and IncrediblePass.com’s Baby Gangster, a hung 3-footer spunking on well-endowed multi-racial street chicks.

Here’s some free midget porn video clip galleries:

• Bridget the Midget
• Tinny Tyler
• Twidget the Midget
• Black Cinnamon
• Lil Pimp Hand

And finally, I leave you with a gallery of a male midget pornstar bathing himself in a wash tub.

4chan’s Rule 34 states that for anything you can think of, there is likely some type of porn for it. Dragons having sex with cars takes that idea to a absurd extreme. This meme, currently one of the top posts on Digg, consists of several paintings of dragons having sex with car tailpipes, or flooding vehicles with gallons of dragon semen.

Apparently the pleasures of a hot metal exhaust pipe is not just limited to fictional fantasy creatures. An ancient text file, “Dekhyr Dragon’s Guide to Sex with Cars,” details how one can achieve sexual gratification with a car’s tailpipe (without seriously injuring oneself). Did you know you don’t need to worry about giving a car an STD? “If you do not use a condom and you come inside the car, ten or fifteen minutes of driving will kill off anything inside.”

A notorious article from The Sun tells the story of Chris, a car mechanic and his liaisons with over 20 different automobiles, such as “Lydia, a BMW 735i that was tuned and lowered. She was special.” The childhood spark for his fetish? Knight Rider. (The car, not Hasselhoff.)

Ange Venus is a Chinese porn star who writes, produces and stars in her own “erotic dramas.” This tall, slender and very flexible model engages in what she calls “yoga sex,” fucking and sucking in a variety of contortionist positions.

Several of the releases from Ange Venus Productions are filmed in the same living room, regardless of plot. And judging by the trailers, you can hear theme music (off-key and badly warbled) sung by the actress herself! Titles include:

• The aptly named Queen Ange and Porno Clown. (”Queen Ange’s General tried his best to make his queen happy… See what surprise he brought to her. One of best Ange Venus’s Erotica Drama Movie.”)
• Ange Venus vs. Devil Mars, an attempt at a sci-fi plot. (”Devil Mars got extremely jealous because Ange enjoying sex on earth with many men. He finally could not bear and wanted to destroy her kingdom”)
• Sex & Sword, where our dexterous heroine wields a sword during intercourse. (”A playboy was suspected to murder Ange’s twin sister, To find the truth, she had to offer him sex and sword.”)

I don’t think I have to tell you that these are badly written, produced and acted. At least the sex is interesting, if you like to see a very flexible Chinese woman in threesomes. You want to see the preview trailers, right? Here you go!

Our sister site, Japanese Fetish Videos, features a wide selection of unique and sometimes bizarre adult videos from Japan. This particular title (translated on the box as “jujuko costume play lesbian”) stands alone in its rather bizarre uniqueness. Sure, there’s plenty of mature lesbian videos, but this has got to be the first one to feature cosplay sex.

Take a close look at the front cover. Attractive, aren’t they? Now, truth be told, I took a little peek at the video and it’s actually not that awful. If older and slightly saggy asian women don’t repel you (or if they in fact turn you on) then you might actually enjoy this. It’s just that the cosplay seemed so… tacked-on.

I first came across this title in a skit from TV Funhouse, a short-lived show from SNL writer and animator Robert Smigel that aired on Comedy Central in 2000. The original skit, entitled “Porn for Kids,” featured a short excerpt from Silence of the G.A.M.S. that left only the opening title, some cheesy dialogue and end credits - sans the porn. It was quickly re-edited and retitled “Porn for Everyone” for subsequent airings.

So I was intrigued when I learned that this cheesy low-budget porno from 1992 was still available. The title is an obvious, but poor parody on Silence of the Lambs. Instead of Clarice Starling, we get Charlie LaTour, a middle-aged actress who looks more like your real estate agent than a porn star. And in place of Hannibal Lecter, there’s a fat guy masturbating behind bars. There’s also a black judge named Long Dong Silver who apparently lives at the prison.

This video is about as low budget as it gets. The G.A.M.S. HQ is identified by dot matrix printouts taped to the walls. There are like three sets in the whole film. The actors are uniformly ugly and/or fat. And of course, Something Awful is there to give you a full review and plot synopsis. If you really want to own a copy of this, you can buy it as part of a 4-disc set, Classic Adult Mysteries. Or, you can just check it out in our video theater.

Welcome to Weird, Funny & Bizarre Porn, a new blog dedicated to strange, unusual and humorous porn niches, fetishes and videos. Our first entry deals with a vaguely disturbing but nonetheless hilarious sub-genre of illustrated smut — bawdy toons of copyrighted television cartoon characters in sexual situations.

While researching keywords for this domain, the Google keyword tool associated words like “bizarre,” “weird,” “funny,” and “porn” with various search phrases for cartoon porn. The most popular are Disney characters (not surprisingly), The Simpsons, and Family Guy. Other popular searches include various Cartoon Network characters, Futurama, The Jetsons (still popular after all these years), Kim Possible, Pokemon and Star Wars.

We’re all aware of anime/hentai and the legendary perversity of Japanese pop culture. And prior to the internet age, there were tijuana bibles and underground comics that frequently used popular cartoon characters. But the sheer variety of sexual situations and popular characters in contemporary cartoon porn is mind boggling. Incest and trans-species sex are common themes. So are homosexual encounters between characters that you would never imagine.

It extends far beyond the most obvious targets — the Scooby Doo gang rockin’ the Mystery Machine, Lois Griffin in a threesome with Quagmire and Cleveland, or the buxom Jessica Rabbit in the nude. There probably isn’t any character you could think of that hasn’t been illustrated in a sexual situation, save for preschool toons such as Dora the Explorer or the Teletubbies. Even poor Lilo and Stitch have been degraded by some pervert’s pen.

Not surprisingly, there are numerous commercial sites dedicated to this niche, apparently beyond the legal reach of American copyright holders. Cartoon Valley and Drawn Sex appear to be two of the biggest — check out the Drawn Sex tour for a laugh. I should warn you; if you have cherished childhood memories of your favorite cartoon characters, you probably shouldn’t proceed any further.