Weird, Funny & Bizarre Porn

I first came across this title in a skit from TV Funhouse, a short-lived show from SNL writer and animator Robert Smigel that aired on Comedy Central in 2000. The original skit, entitled “Porn for Kids,” featured a short excerpt from Silence of the G.A.M.S. that left only the opening title, some cheesy dialogue and end credits - sans the porn. It was quickly re-edited and retitled “Porn for Everyone” for subsequent airings.

So I was intrigued when I learned that this cheesy low-budget porno from 1992 was still available. The title is an obvious, but poor parody on Silence of the Lambs. Instead of Clarice Starling, we get Charlie LaTour, a middle-aged actress who looks more like your real estate agent than a porn star. And in place of Hannibal Lecter, there’s a fat guy masturbating behind bars. There’s also a black judge named Long Dong Silver who apparently lives at the prison.

This video is about as low budget as it gets. The G.A.M.S. HQ is identified by dot matrix printouts taped to the walls. There are like three sets in the whole film. The actors are uniformly ugly and/or fat. And of course, Something Awful is there to give you a full review and plot synopsis. If you really want to own a copy of this, you can buy it as part of a 4-disc set, Classic Adult Mysteries. Or, you can just check it out in our video theater.

We’ve all heard of Pam & Tommy, Paris & Rick, and some of you might even remember Tonya & Jeff. Celebrity sex tapes have brought money and notoriety to stars whose homemade sexcapades have leaked out to the public, despite any initial objections they may have had.

But a few B-list celebrities have created and released sex tapes in hopes of boosting their flagging careers or cashing in on the celebrity sex tape craze. Here are a few of the most notorious examples. Click on the box art to view the movie in our PPV porn theater.

The Tom Sizemore Sex Scandal

Bonafide celebrity train wreck and VH1 reality show star Tom Sizemore (Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down) stars in this collection of home movies released by Vivid in 2005. Between screwing prostitutes and struggling to get a hard-on, Tom bitches about his legal problems, rants against the LAPD and acts high and stupid in general. Something Awful has a complete synopsis of the video.

Screeched

Dustin Diamond, best known for his role as “Screech” on the 90s teen sitcom Saved by the Bell, stars in this recently released sex tape with his soon-to-be girlfriend and another woman. Reportedly staged, the video is replete with Diamond’s inane dialogue and ends with him giving a “Dirty Sanchez” to one of the girls. It’s assumed that Diamond is trying to shake off his child star dweeb image with this video, but instead ends up as one of the lamest attempts to capitalize on the celebrity sex tape craze.

One Night in China

Former WWE female wrestler Chyna (Joanie Laurer) and her boyfriend Sean “X-Pac” Waltman star in another purportedly staged home video filmed during a trip to China and released shortly after the Paris Hilton sex tape. Most of the video is tourist footage of Waltman acting like a stoned jackass in the presence of a government sponsored tour guide (”Chairman Mao — GAKOW!”). One Night in China is notorious for shots of Chyna’s enormous clitoris and acne-ridden ass. Something Awful offers a review with pictorial evidence.

The first of our explorations into the world of strange adult video is this bizarre 70’s amputee porn classic. The back of the box will tell you all you need to know about this:

Jeanne Silver, a pretty amputee, appeared in men’s magazines and on San Francisco burlesque stages. She had the lower part of her left leg removed when she was a child. The remaining stump, extending several inches below her knee, is little more than bone covered with flesh. Director Alex DeRenzy uses the pseudo- documentary format to display Silver’s sexual habits. She fucks Amber Hunt during a threesome, impales two teenage students and even goes so far as to ram it up a homosexual’s ass. Long regarded as one of the more bizarre films of the 1970’s, Long Jeanne Silver fulfills all expectations for those seeking a “freakshow” event.

Ms. Silver continued to star in adult films up until 1985 (including a part in Debbie Does Dallas II.) Cultural Gutter has a fine review and brief history of Long Jeanne Silver.

Welcome to Weird, Funny & Bizarre Porn, a new blog dedicated to strange, unusual and humorous porn niches, fetishes and videos. Our first entry deals with a vaguely disturbing but nonetheless hilarious sub-genre of illustrated smut — bawdy toons of copyrighted television cartoon characters in sexual situations.

While researching keywords for this domain, the Google keyword tool associated words like “bizarre,” “weird,” “funny,” and “porn” with various search phrases for cartoon porn. The most popular are Disney characters (not surprisingly), The Simpsons, and Family Guy. Other popular searches include various Cartoon Network characters, Futurama, The Jetsons (still popular after all these years), Kim Possible, Pokemon and Star Wars.

We’re all aware of anime/hentai and the legendary perversity of Japanese pop culture. And prior to the internet age, there were tijuana bibles and underground comics that frequently used popular cartoon characters. But the sheer variety of sexual situations and popular characters in contemporary cartoon porn is mind boggling. Incest and trans-species sex are common themes. So are homosexual encounters between characters that you would never imagine.

It extends far beyond the most obvious targets — the Scooby Doo gang rockin’ the Mystery Machine, Lois Griffin in a threesome with Quagmire and Cleveland, or the buxom Jessica Rabbit in the nude. There probably isn’t any character you could think of that hasn’t been illustrated in a sexual situation, save for preschool toons such as Dora the Explorer or the Teletubbies. Even poor Lilo and Stitch have been degraded by some pervert’s pen.

Not surprisingly, there are numerous commercial sites dedicated to this niche, apparently beyond the legal reach of American copyright holders. Cartoon Valley and Drawn Sex appear to be two of the biggest — check out the Drawn Sex tour for a laugh. I should warn you; if you have cherished childhood memories of your favorite cartoon characters, you probably shouldn’t proceed any further.